When you can think of yesterday without regret and tomorrow without fear, you are near contentment.

Life has been busy lately. I often feel like I do not have enough time in my day's to accomplish all that I would like to. It gets frustrating, but I try not to let it get the best of me. If I relax, things will get done. Maybe not as fast as I would like, but they will get done.

I think the majority of it, right now, is because of the holidays. I'm trying so hard to prep for Christmas and get a lot of other things done. Stressful. Very stressful.


I haven't been riding as much. That's a whole other story though. One that is also frustrating. Although, I do adore Sawyer and I am so lucky to have him.

Now, for the good stuff. I'm sure that is what all my lurkers are waiting for.

Life, while being frustrating, has also become quite confusing. Don't get me wrong, I love and enjoy everyday. I feel like I am in a wonderful position and I look forward to next year. I will be starting school again and hopefully I will find a promising job. I haven't the slightest clue what I want to accomplish with school (aside from the obvious) but I know I just want to be there.

I'm so stuck. Stuck on which direction I want to go in. I see wonderful things happening if I stay, right now. I'm just unsure of what I want. Part of me is not ready to settle down, or be done with my adventures. I am 25 and I have so much more I want to do. I want to travel and meet new people. Then again, part of me is afraid to take a path that holds uncertainty. With certainty comes stability and I've done nothing but preach about stability.

So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I hate not having answers. It is my curse, I like to know everything. Which simply isn't going to happen, unless I really figure out what I need to do.

I will continue this later, my back hurts.

I am a pessimist, with an optimist outlook.

Indeed, I am.

One might ask, "how is this possible". Honestly, I couldn't tell ya. I just know, that is who I am. Maybe not who I've always been, but who I am now.

For the longest time I have sat back and tried to figure myself out. Which, really, maybe it's just me, but it's been far too complicated. Obviously I know who I am, but trying to reason with the decisions I make is pretty impossible. Not saying all of them have been bad decisions, some have been the best I have ever made. The question is, why did I make them? Who the heck knows.

Then, I started to paint a picture of my everyday attitude. I am at times over bearing and I worry just a little too much. No matter what though, I am always positive of the outcome, or the things I will face in the future. Given I have been through so much, in such little time, I can be nothing but positive. Even if the situation in itself, isn't always a positive one. That is really the only way a person can truly function, without hitting the bottom. If you keep a level head, things will always turn out the way they are supposed to.

Once I changed from being a total pessimist, things started to go uphill, slightly. My entire life did a 180 and I saw the better of what I had been up against. Maybe it is my age that has me looking at things through a different prospective. Maybe it's because I have a little person who looks up to me everyday, that I want to see succeed when she grows up. I'm not sure. All I know is that I am starting to enjoy this ride, instead of just holding on for the ride.

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

Today, overall was a good day. I got a lot accomplished, spent time with good people and I was in a great mood.

Although, I will say. I am frustrated by the ignorance of others. Really, seems like everything has been simmering up until this point and it finally just boiled over. I am tired of the low blows and innuendos by others. I get extremely irritated when I see someone doing something, then getting praised. Yet, if I turned around and did the same thing, I would be given unsolicited advice on how I should be doing things. Double standards do not go over well in my book. For what I've been through and seen in my life, I have learned a lot about what to expect out of people. What I am willing to take and what I will always stand up for. I am hard headed, stubborn and at times, a little naive but I will be damned if I am ever a push over.

The fact that for so long, I've called a certain few my friends, really makes me infuriated. Why be told we are free to voice our opinion, if in the long run, it really isn't worth it or there will be repercussions.

Not only that, I expect more out of people. Do not take what I say out of context. At least pretend you've listened to everything I have said, before jumping the gun. It really chaps my ass when people have a nasty remark and they've simply ignored my reasoning. Do not jump on my ass, when I was agreeing with you. This is called ignorance and I hate it.


So, how bout them apples?

Even more busy.

This seems to be my new thing. Busy, that is. All the time, it's a vicious cycle in my little world. I am certain it's because I whined way too much before about how I had nothing to do. Don't we all though? At one point or another? I really don't mind, it's only when I get in over my head that I start to gasp for the "not so busy" air. See, I am one of those people who ends up spinning out of control when I have way too much going on. It's almost like I lose all ability to function like a normal human and I start thinking way too much about productive planning.

I'm odd. I already know this, so no need in reminding me. I also like it that way, being odd. Sets me apart from all the normals walking around. Well, having the name Scotti and having a vagina already set's me apart from the "norm". Right?

I had a 3rd birthday party for Anna yesterday. Our theme was Dinosaurs, at the request of Anna. Well, it was between Spongebob and Dinosaurs. She got lucky and had both, Spongebob being at her school. It went off without a hitch! She had a few friends come and she ran herself into the ground playing all day. We ate way too many cupcakes and opened lot's of presents. It was a great day, even with all the stress that came with planning the party. We went to bed pretty late (what! Ya think we could stop ourselfs from playing with all the cool new toys!), so Miss Anna slept until 10:30 this morning. She actually crawled in bed with me at 8 and (Thank you baby Jesus) slept for another 2 and half hours.

The house. Oh, the house. It's a mess. New toy's scattered across the living room, cupcake remains imbeded on the counter, clothes strewn across the couch. Yes, it's bad. I had it all nice for the party and in just 3 measley hours, it was destroyed. We were all too tired to really make any kind of dent on it today, so tomorrow I will be in warrior mode. I really hate looking at a cluttered space, which is the vibe I am getting off the house right now, but all will be well tomorrow.

I'm really just glad to have all but one birthday out of the way, until Christmas madness sets in. Oh, and that would be my birthday. Which really, there will be no big plans. Other than dinner at my favorite restuarant with Allen and a night out. Seems I lack those these days, "Nights out", but I am honest to God... NOT COMPLAINING. It's quite refreshing to say I've had but 3 beers in two months. I am sure we will also do a dinner with Anna and the family. Now that I am actually writing it, the thought of my birthday scares me. I will be 25, that number scares me. Mostly because I wish I was done with school and I'm not. Although, everything else has seemed to get itself on track, that won't be far behind.

Gosh. I just realized. I've yet to even post about Allen. Holy heck, I have been a major slacker here. Not that I am sure too many people read this anyway, I am still shocking myself. Wow.

So, yea... Allen. Allen and I have known each other 7 long years. We've come and gone in each others lives, as friends usually do. I never imagined we would be where we are today. We have been dating 4 months now and it has been perfect. I look forward to updating about "us". I do believe it needs to have it's own blog. Yes, it's own. Too much to go on about in this already extremely long update.

I will also be creating a new blog. One dedicated to another person I've failed to mention. Sawyer, my newest love muffin and 4 legged child. I want to have a blog strictly for his training progress and all the is squishy, uishy, horsey lovin' updatingness.

I am still slightly frustrated (probably because I am forced to look at the cluttered living room as I type this) and "tired" doesn't even describe how tired I am. See, so tired I cannot even think of a more creative word to use.

So, goodnight!

A woman who is very busy seldom changes her opinions.

I think it's time I kick this back into high gear. I love the blog, but I never seem to have much time. Well, I do but I never really think to update my blog. Oh well, I will make an effort to fix the lack of blogging.

Things have been good. No, things have been amazing. I still have my moments where I tend to let stress get the best of me, but I'm human. Well, that and I have a lot of estrogen flowing through my woman parts. On a serious note, I could not ask for anything more at this given time. I'm truly blessed to be where I am today. I know I had some bad karma from the past floating around, but I think I've pretty much paid my due's to karma. To look back on things, or the emotions I've felt in the past, I'm amazed by where I stand today. Lucky and very grateful, that is what I am.

I do believe my responsibility and maturity level have sky rocketed in the last year alone. Comparing myself (although I'm not a fan of comparing) to who I was just one year ago, to who I am today is nearly night and day. I've learned to stand up for what I believe in, without being irrational. Someone said this to me and it has really stuck with me, "Everything you want in life will happen, it just might not be at the speed you want it to happen". I think about that and it's so true. I felt like I was rushing everything in my life, when in all reality, things are OK at the rate their moving. I still get carried away and stack my plate a little too high at times, but again, I'm human. As dysfunctional as my home life was, my life wouldn't be fun if it were too "normal".

Having matured I see a lot of things and a lot of people differently now. Some stuff I questioned before, but now I have the answers as to what I truly want in my life. People I held in the highest regard, are no longer on a pedestal. I've seen the malicious side, that they've tried to hard to cover up. I know that I am too good of a person now to ever feel unwanted, by anyone. I see it as their loss, whether they agree or not.

One of my best friends told me a few days ago that I do a lot of rambling. I guess she's right, I do! I've gotten no complaints, so I will continue to do so.

On that note, I have to go. It's my little one's birthday today and I have a party to plan. I also have a fat mule to go ride this afternoon.

Happy Friday everyone! :)

To the keeper of my heart.

My, oh, my. 3 years, 3 whole years filled with unconditional love, from a toddler I call Anna.


My Dear Anna,

3 years ago, to the day, you came into my life like wild fire. It is a day that will forever live in my heart and in my soul. I became a Mother that day, your Mother and you became my daughter. I will cherish this day for as long as I live, for I was blessed with more than I could have ever asked for.

You are so full of grace, but I see that fire in you. The same fire I carry in myself, the desire to never stop learning. You remind me so much of myself. A fighter and a lover. A free spirit, who is hard headed and stubborn at times. A beautiful person, inside and out. A girl who loves diggin' up dirt in her best dress. I see you grow everyday and although bittersweet, I am so proud of you.

I never imagined that 3 years ago I could be happier than I was in that moment I first held you. As each day goes by, I realize this is my life, you are my life. All of my dreams, wrapped tightly around you, my heart in the palm of your hand. Even at just 3, I see a beautiful person, who is going to take the world by surprise.

You are the fire and the world is your fuel.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Jitterbug.

Love,
Mommy.

It can take a surprisingly long time to get from one part of my mind to another.

Ever reflect on conversations, or thoughts you have. I do. I have decided I am a plethora of pretty useless knowledge. The great thing is, I always have something to talk about. I make small talk a little less awkward, well maybe awkward but in a good way.

I honestly don't know why I feel the need to even talk about this, I was just pondering. Something I do more frequently than others. Not a quality everyone can say they have. It just adds to my uniqueness.

That brings me to conversation etiquette. If it were a profession, I am pretty damn sure I would win. I can bring warmth to any conversation. Funny because a few years ago, I was so shy. Now, I would blow anyone away with my ability to connect with almost anyone through good conversation. I rule.

Maybe it's because I think so much. I'm always searching for answers to questions most people would never think of. I want to know it all. I thrive off of all the things I am hungry to learn. I could just be weird but to me, I am smart in my own way. I am a busy body who can sit still and constantly has to be reading about something I find odd.

Pointless blog. Just felt the need to blog it.

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.

Life is funny. The way things work out, how slow and how fast time goes by, etc. I must admit, in my 24 years, I have enjoyed the short ride in this crazy life. I am excited to see what else is out there for me, the journeys I will take and the people I will meet. I know there is so much more to learn and take in.

The last year, maybe year and half, has been amazing. With all the ups and downs, I've loved it. I have learned so much, I hit rock bottom and fought my way back to the top. Although not all the way there, I know I have great things ahead of me. I know I am beautiful and outgoing, I have the world to offer. There are some things I would have liked to not of dealt with, but honestly... where would I be without that experience (mistake).

Today so many things came into focus. I saw clear for the first time in a while and realized... life is to short to sweat the bull shit. The people who are supposed to be there, will be until the end. What is meant to happen, will. I am no longer wasting my time on anyone who has nothing to offer and does not benefit my life in some way.

I have lost and gained a lot of people this past year. The friends I've gained, or reconnected with are most certainly worth it. The one's who were lost, I have yet to look back. This cycle is a clean one and one I have so far not had any regrets from.


I looked back on blogs from this year. They have all almost repetitive. Only... they're all leading in the same direction...up. I love this, all of it. The only thing that is different, not turning back anymore, my direction is a one way street.


"This new heart of mine".

Words.

To see you when I wake up.

Is a gift I didn't think could be real.

To know that you feel the same as I doIs a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.

So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.

I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.

You have only been gone ten days, But already I'm wasting away.

I know I'll see you again.

Whether far or soon.

But I need you to know that I care, And I miss you.

It's always hard to find the right things to say when you lose the one thing you thought was real. We slap a smile on our face and make it through the day without breaking down. Hold back words and emotions that at one point were so easy to say.

I've moved on but there is that one part of me that won't let go. I am sure in time but right now it's still there. Days get easier and aren't so long anymore. My laughter is genuine and my heart is slowly piecing back together.

I will always love what we had, even if it's no longer what I want. There were good times and there were bad, I will carry the good in my heart.

Although I felt like I needed closure, I don't think that was the case. I just think I needed to get over all of it and really say goodbye to a lost cause.

This is the end.

I've closed one chapter and have started another. A great chapter at that, this book has only just begun.

08.10.08

Today seems to be one of the harder days.

I know I will be ok.

This too shall pass.

I just need something to look back on, a reminder that everything truly does happen for a reason. That I am actually better off and getting better everyday.

It just days like this where my heart hurts and I feel so betrayed. Other days it all makes sense and I put my anger on the back burner. I think maybe I can forgive and really move on.

I'm happy. I have a lot going on, I've met some wonderful people, but letting go isn't easy. Moving on isn't easy.


Tomorrow is another day.

Think. Think. Think.

So. Back in the position I hate to be in. One where I am forced to rethink my life and the goals I have set for myself. Hey, I believe we should review our goals every now and then. Thing is, mine are all over the place. I have no goals, other than a few, actually set in stone. I guess it's something I need to work on. I do think I am a determined person, I just think too much to stay focused on one thing.

Now, I do have direction. Is it what I want though, or is it what I need. Thinking about it makes my brain hurt. At times I would say I had too much spontaneity. Not always the good kind. I will put so much effort into something, then suddenly move onto something else, without first finishing what I had originally started. Makes me irritated with myself.

Let's be serious for a second. I am pretty sure I have a clear idea what I want out of life, we all do. It's that what I will be doing that fails me. Which I have heard, from most, is normal for anyone my age. I am in the process of setting up a ladder for myself. What I will place at the top of that ladder is something I don't even know yet.

So, I am going to take the next month to just clear my head and let things fall into place. I have an idea of where I am going, I just want things to pan out. What happens will happen and it will be within in good reason.

I am sort of babbling. I guess because I am avoiding bed. I know sleeping means waking up, which then means work. Ew.


Anyway. I also realized (after some much needed advice), I put myself on the back burner because I look to other people for decisions. I almost feel like if I am the one to make the decision, if even for myself, I let everyone else down. In some situations, that might be ok. Not when it comes to my life. I need to stand up and start thinking for myself. I need to worry less about suiting my life for other people and more for me. Those who were worth a shit will be there when it's said and done.


Ok. Bed time for realz.

Todays Horoscope.

"Sit down and make a list of the things that you need to change in your life. Believe in yourself and don't be afraid to follow your dreams."



Ok. Wow.

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

I have someone in my life, someone more important than my own life.

Someone who's smile warms my heart. Someone who pushes me to climb those mountain tops.

Someone who with one sweet "I love you" says 1,000 words over and over again in my soul.


Someone who without knowing it, pushes me to never stop fighting.

This someone has shown me, life isn't so bad. There is a reason to keep going, a reason to wake up every morning with a smile on my face. A reason to always try and try harder.

Every morning, I'm greeted with a sleepy smile and a "where are we going today". I smile and say "To the moon baby, to the moon". My heart walks next to me at the park, rides behind me in the car and gives me 1 2 3 4 5 good night kisses before bed.

When I go to sleep. I get up at least twice, just to make sure this person isn't just a dream. Then I wake every morning only to question how I was so lucky, to be so blessed, by a soul that's so pure... it pulls at mine.

This someone call's me Mommy.

I am this someones role model.

I am this someones whole world.

This someone is my whole world.

My whole reason for living.

November 7th, 2005 will always be the day that forever changed my life.



Mommy loves you, Anna Banana.

"As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"

Fuck Yeah.

Major blog actionz coming your way.



TODAY!

Swing line.

I always come here wanting to express what's on my mind.

Then, once I am here, I just lack the desire to blog about it.

I need to change this horrible trend of blog avoiding I have so recklessly developed.

Maybe. Just... maybe.

Unfinished.

I'm a rebel. My insides made of gold.



I scream hate, when all you want to hear is love.



Fading lights and empty hall ways.



My arms stretched tight, for that soul I hold close tonight.

Big steps towards the end of this line. I'll never look back and tell you I'm fine.

It happens.

I seem to have issues updating this when I am actually in a good mood, or a better place, mentally.

What can I say? I know I'm a drama queen.

I will say I'm the happiest I've been in 3 months though. :)

There are no regrets in life, just lessons.

It feels like everyday gets easier, but it's still new, so I am still unsure.

I find that I'm better off and I question whether or not it's what my heart truly wanted. I feel like I am in the phase of wanting what doesn't want me.

I am going to do what is best for me from now on, while still thinking of others. Looking back on the past few years of my life, I've been in such a low spot. I've been less optimistic than I should have and I've taken without giving. Selfish would be one word to describe who I've been, but that only scratches the surface. I honestly make myself ill when I think about how I could have treated others with the respect they had given me. I feel like I have taken advantage of people, but in the same light, I've had really shitty people take advantage of me. Those shitty people were the one's I held in regard and that was wrong of me.

I guess I have had a lot of thinking time the last few days. I hate it and I enjoy it. Taking a new light on my life and fixing the damage from the past is a good start.

I go to talk to my therapist next week. I am happy about that though. I feel like I have been trying to solve my own problems and it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Thursday.

I totally rhymed in the last blog.



I rock.

Yeah.

Ever think people doing things intentionally, just to piss you off or get to you.


Well, it works.


Just makes me like them a little less each day. I only take so much abuse, until I reach the point where I say, Fuck you.

It takes love seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.

When one door closes, another one opens. Or so the saying goes. I can't help but think the saying is true, even if it's something I don't want to believe right now. I have all of these new doors opening but I'm keeping my foot wedged in the one trying to close. Although I've been faced with the brutal truth, my heart doesn't want to let it close. Letting go right now leaves me with a horrible ache in my heart and almost makes me sick. Even though I know it's what I need to do.


Time heals a broken heart, right?


Although things are tough right now, I have a lot of amazing opportunities that have come up. I feel like I am finally heading in the right direction, after years of going in the opposite direction. I feel more like myself and more responsible than I've ever been. It's just hard to believe it all had to happen after the fall. I guess that's how the story goes.

I've been through so much that I face tough situations with ease. I walk with my head held high, when inside I feel as though I'm dying. This too shall pass, like a great friend always tells me. In the end, this will be just a small scar, from the past that made me who I am.

It's always scary when you don't know what the future brings. Especially when you're like me and you need all the answers laid out in front of you. I do know that I have a future though and I feel like it will be a great one. Having faith is what matters at this point and I have a lot of faith in what's to come.

Here.

I cannot sleep. This sucks.

All of it. It sucks.

Ugh. I hate meeting new people.

.

I really want to get my hair done today. I think I'm just going to say fuck it and get it done.

I'm also avoiding doing work again.

Tisk. Tisk.

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.

I hate when I have nothing to write. I have so much on my mind, but that's where it sit's. It's impossible to put into words or express on here.

One minute I'm fine and the next, I'm not. I just wish my heart would comply with my thoughts. I wish I didn't feel sick over this anymore and I wish I could just move on.

All I want is to worry about myself but I'm finding it nearly impossible to do. Although, I've been pushed in the right direction, I still need that extra push to move on.

I feel like I'm being lied to, which is fine. I've become part of the past and I'll be ok with that, one day.

I just want to get over you. I want to not like you.

Untitled.

Is it weird that I only blog about my feelings. I'm an open person, but in a different way than others. I'm open in areas where most people would close up. Not that I find anyone walking donw the street (like the Kleenex guy) and tell them all about my life, or my crazy emotional ventures. I do love to share on my blog, though. I've heard most people enjoy blogging so much, because it's comparable to being a celebrity. You have others looking in on your life, others lurking for information on your next move. Exciting! I would love to know who really lurked on here, my blog, not just blogspot, duh.

This week alone, has been a venture. What's new, right? So many conflicting thoughts, interests and desires have been thrown my way. It's complicating. Extremely, to be honest. It seems like you get everything else on track, only to have 100 other things go under. I find humor in it now, like seriously, getting mad is retarded.

I've made some choices I feel will make me happy in the long run. I painted a bomb ass fucking painint and I'm finishing some jewelry. I'm as happy as pie. If pie is happy... ? I would be happy eating pie, right now.

Off to run errands. Fer shizzle.


Hair appointment tomorrow! Yay.

Ladies. Ladies.

APRIL FOOLS.



:)

It's true.

I'm pregnant.

We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.

I've found that life is one big trial, at leas it appears that way to me. We are constantly confronted with temporary road blocks. We take the detours and follow the road that suites us best. Or, if you're like me, you take the bumpy road. It's always the road you're never familiar with and you're usually unsure of where it might lead you. We are tested on our abilities to handle hard situations, how to remove negativity from our lifes and do what it takes to succeed.

So many people have different definitions for succeeding. There are several ways to succeed too, depending on who you're talking to, I suppose. Succeeding to me is being 100%, for me, for my daughter and those who mean the most to me. I want to die knowing I was the best mother Anna could ever ask for. I want to know I made people smile. That I was special to one person, so special it made their heart ache.

The low's in my life are slowly fading away. I've grown up and I know the steps to take, to move on. I look back on my life and the poor decisions I've made, it's such a blur now. I might never know why I made some of the decisions I did, but I know that isn't me anymore. With everyday that goes by, I feel like a better person.

It's hard to ask for closure, when you're not totally sure what went wrong in that certain situation. I always ask myself if closure would even help, or make it worse. I think I'm finally to the point where I don't need closure. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions, for some time now and it's not worth it to keep trying. So, closure almost seems silly, it would only leave more emotions and broken hearts.

I woke up this morning and felt different. Different about almost everything I've associated with for the last year. Some good, some bad. I just know that the way I feel, is the way I should feel. Letting go is the hardest part, but it will make the rest of my life easier.

Grass between my toes.

Wow. It's been a while since I last updated. I guess, like so many of us claim, I've had a lot going on. What's odd is, during this time I haven't updated, I've thought of updating.

So much has changed, for the good and for the not so good. Such is life, with the good comes the bad. I would say that the majority of changes that have taken place, have been for the better. I've taken what has been laid in front of me, with stride.

I find myself going to Church more and drinking a lot less. Making more friends and less enemies. Being responsible and carrying myself. I feel great and I think I look great. I haven't been this happy in a long time and it has helped so many aspects of my life. Being a mother has become something truly meaningful to me. Not that it wasn't before, but as Anna grows, I see her in this new light. She is such a lady, she is smart and beautiful. She also adores me and looks up to me in everyway.

I finally found the job I've waiting a year to find. I love it and it feels so good to get up every morning and go to work. Although, I am blogging while I should be working. Nobody's perfect right?

So, I do need to get back to work. I tell myself everyday, that I plan on blogging that day. Maybe now I will actually start doing it.

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.

Today is weird. To say the least. I feel nauseous, anxious and confused. I for once, have yet to let my emotions get the best of me. I've just been thinking a lot, since last night. Well, for the last month to be honest. Last weeks chain of events impacted me the hardest, but when one door closes... another opens. This all obviously happened for a reason.

I had this set plan. I was pumped and ready to go. Now, I'm back at square one. Rethinking my options. While not eliminating the other. I just feel like I haven't given myself much credit. I gave myself one option and listed it as my only way out of this mess. Yet, I haven't really played out my other options, nor have I even tried to. I feel like I have a lot in me, to do right by myself, but I've spent so much time being hard on me, that I over looked it.

Someone told me last night, it seemed as though I had no guidance. Not that I don't, just the kind that I need. I cannot help but replay that over and over in my head. I do, need more guidance than others. I look to those I care about for an opinion, but I look to those I admire for an answer. I try so hard to just do what others think is best for me, but in reality, they're agreeing with me. I need that motivation, that constant, that tells me, here are your options, now fucking suck it up and get on with it.

Everything right now, just feel so complexed. I feel amazing, I see what I've missed, in myself. It just makes things more complicated now, way more complicated.

You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel.

My blogging is out of control. I think I should be banned from the computer, for at least 24 hours. Writing is my way of preoccupying myself from reality, or the things that are weighing so heavily on my heart and mind. If I sit here, even for just 10 minutes, I won't pick up the phone or think about what he's doing. I won't think about him.

I keep trying to stay positive and happy, but then I get stuck here, miserable. All I want to do is clear my head and focus on what's important. The thing is, I've lost part of me and it feels like it's for good. I hate these thoughts, I hate letting go. I cannot help but think he's done with me and it's all my fault. I keep replaying "I should have done this, or not of said that", over and over again. All I want is for him to not forget me, to still want me, to still care. I wish I could take back everything I've ever done wrong, but we're human and humans make mistakes. Only, I made too many.

I guess I just think of the negatives more than the positives. When you lose the one thing you held so close, it isn't easy to think of positives. It isn't easy to avoid the phone, or anything else for that matter.

I got so use to this routine. I have so many things that happen throughout the day that I looked forward to sharing with that one person. Weird dreams, odd people I saw, everything. But now, now I have no one. No one that I feel that connected with. So, I'm stuck here, writing all of my emotions and happenings onto this blog.

He doesn't feel the same about me anymore and I don't blame him. I just hate feeling so forgotten, so unwanted and useless.

I guess tomorrows a new day. I'm going to finish painting, but I'm sure I will have more to say later.

I'm sorry you don't love me anymore.

Think about any attachments that are depleting your emotional reserves. Consider letting them go.

I feel like I've been so lost the last 4 years. I feel like I'm still lost. Only, I know where I'm going this time and I know where I've been. I think too much, I think that will be the death of me. I like the moments where I'm not thinking about him. I wish there was a way to just erase those memories. It's those memories, or wanting to call, that slow down my day and make me wonder what it is that I'm doing.

Character is higher than intellect. A great soul will be strong to live as well as think.

I am trying to study. It's not working, obviously. So, here I sit, blogging instead. We've already been over my inabilities to sit still, or focus for extended amount of times. It is, indeed, the inevitable.

Whenever I study, it reminds me of how it's something I've never been good at. Even if I study alone, I get all nervous with practice questions. I act like someone's watching me, or like I actually have a time limit on that stupid question. It's really amusing, actually. Then, after I get all nervous, I think, "wow, Scotti, you're really lame". Studying is just something I am totally incapable of, I am pretty sure I will always be this way. Oh well, hopefully after this, I wont need to cope much more with tense study sessions, alone.

I must say, I surprise myself at how well I am with literature and word knowledge. I somehow grasp the meaning to words I've never even heard, or seen before. Although, I hardly give myself any credit in the grammar department. I swear I over use commas and make a new paragraph before I've actually written seven sentences. Oh, and I use periods a lot. Even after one word. See. I would certainly deserve an F, if I were blogging for school, or writing purposes.

One thing I will never understand is math or arithmetic. No matter how many classes I take, or how much I stuff my brain, I will never be able to understand math. Now, if I go on a full blown study binge for a week, I will pass a test. I can promise you though, in a weeks time, I will forget everything I just learned. My brain hates math and over working itself to solve stupid problems like (a-b)+(a). I know, I sound stupid, but I use the opposite side of my brain. I am worried about this though, for my upcoming test. I need to at least pass with an 80. Oiy.

So. Aside from studying and over using periods, today was pretty busy. I will say, it was a good day and I didn't expect that. I woke up and told myself that today would be a great day and that I would be alright. I finally got a phone call I was waiting for. I picked up my prescription. Best part for last, picked me up some new canvases and paint's! I also had a job offer at Michaels, I think I might take them up on that. Temporarily at least. I like crafts, crafts like me, it's a good gig!

There was a rough patch today though. Brian's ex found is necessary to call me. I am really unsure why, but for some reason, she seems to think I want to work things out with Brian. Very wrong, oh so very, very wrong. I was an adult though and I actually think I gave her some relief. Oh well, drama is drama and it likes me for some reason.


I am so proud of myself and who I am turning into. A mature person, who will make everyone proud. Sad, it's taken 24 years but hey, at least it's happening. Today I had a long talk with my Mom. I finally opened up about things and how I finally see I've depended on others for happiness. I know that I've been nothing but a ruthless bitch, who still expected people to put up with it and be there. It's time for me now, to renew myself, find myself and grow up. For once, I am not worried about someone else being there, I'm worried about myself. It feels so good. It feels good to know I don't have to rely on shitty people, to keep me company.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy I get to see friends I lost touch with on Thursday. Good friends I put on the back burner for worthless fucks.

Back to studying now. Or maybe I will paint. I don't know.


Good night!

The weight of things that remaind unspoken. Built up so much it crushed us everyday.

Most of us claim, or the one's who suffered more heartache than most, that we have this wall. A wall that keeps us safe, from that heartache. I would say the wall usually causes more damage, but it's the only thing you have, to protect yourself. We all hate the feeling of being let down, or allowing ourselves to be totally vulnerable in an uncontrollable situation. The emotions that hide behind that wall usually slip through the cracks and it's always followed by a glimpse of your past, you've tried so hard to forget.

We try to protect ourselves and our emotions. You try and prepare for the worst and take everything with a grain of salt. The thing is, no matter how much you set yourself up for it, your heart never fully complies. When you open yourself up to someone, you almost do so without knowing. Maybe that's half the problem, preparing for the worst, instead of just allowing yourself to have an open mind and heart.

My mind works in self defense mode, always. My heart, I still haven't figured it out yet. My heart wants what my mind doesn't. To allow myself to be loved and wanted. Instead, I push people away, because of my past and what I've already allowed myself to go through. I try and blame my past for my way of thinking, but it's time to just let go. My heart knows it wont always be the way it was then, but my mind doesn't.

No matter what, it always feels the same. I opened myself up, I was vulnerable and now, I hurt. I try to say I'm an optimist but I cannot help but think, it happened again. I know, it's my way of thinking, it's my way of not taking blame for my actions. These are the consequences I am left with. Pulling myself off the floor and starting all over.

I know it's time to move forward. I wont allow myself to think about what just happened, today will be a better day, and everyday here after. It's time to start worrying more about myself and less about being alone. I believe this is the first step to finding true love. I've tried to look outside and in. I see a girl, a girl who has worried too much about finding someone or something and less about herself. A girl who isn't in a position to be her true self for someone else, because she has lost touch with herself. When I am capable, I will be there for someone, always, not just half the time. When I'm ready, but I guess I'm not.

The hardest part is not thinking about it and refocusing on myself. The harder part is letting go and letting that person move on, even if it's best, it hurts so bad.

Everything happens for a reason and I cannot be more sure this is what I need right now. When the time is right, someone will be there, maybe this person... maybe not. When the time is right, I will be there.

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

I haven't updated in a while. There are times I just get lazy, or I simply have nothing interesting to write about. Not that my life has to be that interesting, or something spontaneous has to happen in order for me to post. I just get in these moods, moods that tell me I have nothing to say.

Life is having it's ups and downs, as to be expected. I'm just getting better at dealing with them. I feel like I am almost to the point where I know exactly what it is I want to do. It's weird, like some sort of clarity comes over you. I've never really known what path to follow, I just relied on others opinions, to make mine. I am over that shit. I am the one who has to live this life, not them.

I really don't want to go back to college. I just feel like it isn't for me. As much as I love learning new things, I think I like to learn more hands on. I just don't have the tolerance to sit still for more than 5 minutes, let alone an hour. I know my Mom really wants to see me make it through college, more so because she didn't. I just feel like it isn't part of my big plan and it's hard to explain it to her.

I've made a huge decision in my life. I am not totally ready to talk about it yet, though. I just feel like I need to smooth over the rough parts before I see it written out. I'm scared, I'm anxious and yet, I'm fucking proud of myself.

I know now, I no longer need anyone but myself and Anna, to make me happy. I know my worth. I have done nothing but put up with pathetic people, who in turn, made me pathetic. All because I thought I needed that extra something. Eventually, but for now, I need to be me, 100%. For Anna more than myself. I feel like I want to put myself out there, but not in a desperate way. If someone great comes along, awesome... if not, oh well.

I've relied to much on what I thought were good instincts, but really, I ended up surrounding myself with negative people. People I thought I could count on, but really, I couldn't. I am so ready to let go and carry on. I thought the letting go part would hurt more, but it actually feels pretty good.