Most of us claim, or the one's who suffered more heartache than most, that we have this wall. A wall that keeps us safe, from that heartache. I would say the wall usually causes more damage, but it's the only thing you have, to protect yourself. We all hate the feeling of being let down, or allowing ourselves to be totally vulnerable in an uncontrollable situation. The emotions that hide behind that wall usually slip through the cracks and it's always followed by a glimpse of your past, you've tried so hard to forget.
We try to protect ourselves and our emotions. You try and prepare for the worst and take everything with a grain of salt. The thing is, no matter how much you set yourself up for it, your heart never fully complies. When you open yourself up to someone, you almost do so without knowing. Maybe that's half the problem, preparing for the worst, instead of just allowing yourself to have an open mind and heart.
My mind works in self defense mode, always. My heart, I still haven't figured it out yet. My heart wants what my mind doesn't. To allow myself to be loved and wanted. Instead, I push people away, because of my past and what I've already allowed myself to go through. I try and blame my past for my way of thinking, but it's time to just let go. My heart knows it wont always be the way it was then, but my mind doesn't.
No matter what, it always feels the same. I opened myself up, I was vulnerable and now, I hurt. I try to say I'm an optimist but I cannot help but think, it happened again. I know, it's my way of thinking, it's my way of not taking blame for my actions. These are the consequences I am left with. Pulling myself off the floor and starting all over.
I know it's time to move forward. I wont allow myself to think about what just happened, today will be a better day, and everyday here after. It's time to start worrying more about myself and less about being alone. I believe this is the first step to finding true love. I've tried to look outside and in. I see a girl, a girl who has worried too much about finding someone or something and less about herself. A girl who isn't in a position to be her true self for someone else, because she has lost touch with herself. When I am capable, I will be there for someone, always, not just half the time. When I'm ready, but I guess I'm not.
The hardest part is not thinking about it and refocusing on myself. The harder part is letting go and letting that person move on, even if it's best, it hurts so bad.
Everything happens for a reason and I cannot be more sure this is what I need right now. When the time is right, someone will be there, maybe this person... maybe not. When the time is right, I will be there.
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