Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.

Today is weird. To say the least. I feel nauseous, anxious and confused. I for once, have yet to let my emotions get the best of me. I've just been thinking a lot, since last night. Well, for the last month to be honest. Last weeks chain of events impacted me the hardest, but when one door closes... another opens. This all obviously happened for a reason.

I had this set plan. I was pumped and ready to go. Now, I'm back at square one. Rethinking my options. While not eliminating the other. I just feel like I haven't given myself much credit. I gave myself one option and listed it as my only way out of this mess. Yet, I haven't really played out my other options, nor have I even tried to. I feel like I have a lot in me, to do right by myself, but I've spent so much time being hard on me, that I over looked it.

Someone told me last night, it seemed as though I had no guidance. Not that I don't, just the kind that I need. I cannot help but replay that over and over in my head. I do, need more guidance than others. I look to those I care about for an opinion, but I look to those I admire for an answer. I try so hard to just do what others think is best for me, but in reality, they're agreeing with me. I need that motivation, that constant, that tells me, here are your options, now fucking suck it up and get on with it.

Everything right now, just feel so complexed. I feel amazing, I see what I've missed, in myself. It just makes things more complicated now, way more complicated.

You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel.

My blogging is out of control. I think I should be banned from the computer, for at least 24 hours. Writing is my way of preoccupying myself from reality, or the things that are weighing so heavily on my heart and mind. If I sit here, even for just 10 minutes, I won't pick up the phone or think about what he's doing. I won't think about him.

I keep trying to stay positive and happy, but then I get stuck here, miserable. All I want to do is clear my head and focus on what's important. The thing is, I've lost part of me and it feels like it's for good. I hate these thoughts, I hate letting go. I cannot help but think he's done with me and it's all my fault. I keep replaying "I should have done this, or not of said that", over and over again. All I want is for him to not forget me, to still want me, to still care. I wish I could take back everything I've ever done wrong, but we're human and humans make mistakes. Only, I made too many.

I guess I just think of the negatives more than the positives. When you lose the one thing you held so close, it isn't easy to think of positives. It isn't easy to avoid the phone, or anything else for that matter.

I got so use to this routine. I have so many things that happen throughout the day that I looked forward to sharing with that one person. Weird dreams, odd people I saw, everything. But now, now I have no one. No one that I feel that connected with. So, I'm stuck here, writing all of my emotions and happenings onto this blog.

He doesn't feel the same about me anymore and I don't blame him. I just hate feeling so forgotten, so unwanted and useless.

I guess tomorrows a new day. I'm going to finish painting, but I'm sure I will have more to say later.

I'm sorry you don't love me anymore.

Think about any attachments that are depleting your emotional reserves. Consider letting them go.

I feel like I've been so lost the last 4 years. I feel like I'm still lost. Only, I know where I'm going this time and I know where I've been. I think too much, I think that will be the death of me. I like the moments where I'm not thinking about him. I wish there was a way to just erase those memories. It's those memories, or wanting to call, that slow down my day and make me wonder what it is that I'm doing.

Character is higher than intellect. A great soul will be strong to live as well as think.

I am trying to study. It's not working, obviously. So, here I sit, blogging instead. We've already been over my inabilities to sit still, or focus for extended amount of times. It is, indeed, the inevitable.

Whenever I study, it reminds me of how it's something I've never been good at. Even if I study alone, I get all nervous with practice questions. I act like someone's watching me, or like I actually have a time limit on that stupid question. It's really amusing, actually. Then, after I get all nervous, I think, "wow, Scotti, you're really lame". Studying is just something I am totally incapable of, I am pretty sure I will always be this way. Oh well, hopefully after this, I wont need to cope much more with tense study sessions, alone.

I must say, I surprise myself at how well I am with literature and word knowledge. I somehow grasp the meaning to words I've never even heard, or seen before. Although, I hardly give myself any credit in the grammar department. I swear I over use commas and make a new paragraph before I've actually written seven sentences. Oh, and I use periods a lot. Even after one word. See. I would certainly deserve an F, if I were blogging for school, or writing purposes.

One thing I will never understand is math or arithmetic. No matter how many classes I take, or how much I stuff my brain, I will never be able to understand math. Now, if I go on a full blown study binge for a week, I will pass a test. I can promise you though, in a weeks time, I will forget everything I just learned. My brain hates math and over working itself to solve stupid problems like (a-b)+(a). I know, I sound stupid, but I use the opposite side of my brain. I am worried about this though, for my upcoming test. I need to at least pass with an 80. Oiy.

So. Aside from studying and over using periods, today was pretty busy. I will say, it was a good day and I didn't expect that. I woke up and told myself that today would be a great day and that I would be alright. I finally got a phone call I was waiting for. I picked up my prescription. Best part for last, picked me up some new canvases and paint's! I also had a job offer at Michaels, I think I might take them up on that. Temporarily at least. I like crafts, crafts like me, it's a good gig!

There was a rough patch today though. Brian's ex found is necessary to call me. I am really unsure why, but for some reason, she seems to think I want to work things out with Brian. Very wrong, oh so very, very wrong. I was an adult though and I actually think I gave her some relief. Oh well, drama is drama and it likes me for some reason.


I am so proud of myself and who I am turning into. A mature person, who will make everyone proud. Sad, it's taken 24 years but hey, at least it's happening. Today I had a long talk with my Mom. I finally opened up about things and how I finally see I've depended on others for happiness. I know that I've been nothing but a ruthless bitch, who still expected people to put up with it and be there. It's time for me now, to renew myself, find myself and grow up. For once, I am not worried about someone else being there, I'm worried about myself. It feels so good. It feels good to know I don't have to rely on shitty people, to keep me company.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy I get to see friends I lost touch with on Thursday. Good friends I put on the back burner for worthless fucks.

Back to studying now. Or maybe I will paint. I don't know.


Good night!

The weight of things that remaind unspoken. Built up so much it crushed us everyday.

Most of us claim, or the one's who suffered more heartache than most, that we have this wall. A wall that keeps us safe, from that heartache. I would say the wall usually causes more damage, but it's the only thing you have, to protect yourself. We all hate the feeling of being let down, or allowing ourselves to be totally vulnerable in an uncontrollable situation. The emotions that hide behind that wall usually slip through the cracks and it's always followed by a glimpse of your past, you've tried so hard to forget.

We try to protect ourselves and our emotions. You try and prepare for the worst and take everything with a grain of salt. The thing is, no matter how much you set yourself up for it, your heart never fully complies. When you open yourself up to someone, you almost do so without knowing. Maybe that's half the problem, preparing for the worst, instead of just allowing yourself to have an open mind and heart.

My mind works in self defense mode, always. My heart, I still haven't figured it out yet. My heart wants what my mind doesn't. To allow myself to be loved and wanted. Instead, I push people away, because of my past and what I've already allowed myself to go through. I try and blame my past for my way of thinking, but it's time to just let go. My heart knows it wont always be the way it was then, but my mind doesn't.

No matter what, it always feels the same. I opened myself up, I was vulnerable and now, I hurt. I try to say I'm an optimist but I cannot help but think, it happened again. I know, it's my way of thinking, it's my way of not taking blame for my actions. These are the consequences I am left with. Pulling myself off the floor and starting all over.

I know it's time to move forward. I wont allow myself to think about what just happened, today will be a better day, and everyday here after. It's time to start worrying more about myself and less about being alone. I believe this is the first step to finding true love. I've tried to look outside and in. I see a girl, a girl who has worried too much about finding someone or something and less about herself. A girl who isn't in a position to be her true self for someone else, because she has lost touch with herself. When I am capable, I will be there for someone, always, not just half the time. When I'm ready, but I guess I'm not.

The hardest part is not thinking about it and refocusing on myself. The harder part is letting go and letting that person move on, even if it's best, it hurts so bad.

Everything happens for a reason and I cannot be more sure this is what I need right now. When the time is right, someone will be there, maybe this person... maybe not. When the time is right, I will be there.

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

I haven't updated in a while. There are times I just get lazy, or I simply have nothing interesting to write about. Not that my life has to be that interesting, or something spontaneous has to happen in order for me to post. I just get in these moods, moods that tell me I have nothing to say.

Life is having it's ups and downs, as to be expected. I'm just getting better at dealing with them. I feel like I am almost to the point where I know exactly what it is I want to do. It's weird, like some sort of clarity comes over you. I've never really known what path to follow, I just relied on others opinions, to make mine. I am over that shit. I am the one who has to live this life, not them.

I really don't want to go back to college. I just feel like it isn't for me. As much as I love learning new things, I think I like to learn more hands on. I just don't have the tolerance to sit still for more than 5 minutes, let alone an hour. I know my Mom really wants to see me make it through college, more so because she didn't. I just feel like it isn't part of my big plan and it's hard to explain it to her.

I've made a huge decision in my life. I am not totally ready to talk about it yet, though. I just feel like I need to smooth over the rough parts before I see it written out. I'm scared, I'm anxious and yet, I'm fucking proud of myself.

I know now, I no longer need anyone but myself and Anna, to make me happy. I know my worth. I have done nothing but put up with pathetic people, who in turn, made me pathetic. All because I thought I needed that extra something. Eventually, but for now, I need to be me, 100%. For Anna more than myself. I feel like I want to put myself out there, but not in a desperate way. If someone great comes along, awesome... if not, oh well.

I've relied to much on what I thought were good instincts, but really, I ended up surrounding myself with negative people. People I thought I could count on, but really, I couldn't. I am so ready to let go and carry on. I thought the letting go part would hurt more, but it actually feels pretty good.