via sidekick.

Well, this is my first blog from my phone. It is pretty interesting how far we've come with technology.

I adore my phone. Its so cute and its like carrying a mini computer around. What's odd is that one of my bookmarks, well pre set, was blackplanet.com. Turns out blackplanet.com is a black networking community. In other words, a myspace for the black community. Oh well. You learn something new everyday, now I have a place to tell my friends about. I also have a lot of sick downloads. Too bad they all cost money.

I said goodbye to my brother today. Its nice that there won't be as much choas in the house or as much tension but I love my brother and this is the most we've been around each other in 5 years. So, it was hard to say bye without tears. I hope he does right and gets back in school.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.


I wish Brian would call me everyday. Anna is 2 and sick. Not 16 and semi responsible for herself. He told me he would and its unfair. I know he only gets up there once a year and he's excited but he needs to respect me, as her mother. I guess the saying no news is good news but I hate it! I miss my baby cakes. Ill harass him tomorrow. I know this is why I am not sleeping.


Anna is so funny. She had a blast on Christmas. She is going to be such a character in a few years. God, I love that little girl.


Well. I have a lot ahead of me tomorrow, so time for bed. Yum....greek fooooood! Im so excited.

Endless thoughts.

I find I do most my thinking in the shower. I have so many random thoughts, or I'll have like a great idea come to me. I find it rather odd. It's probably due to the fact that, it's the most peaceful place I have currently. I don't live by any parks, or anywhere I could go and relax, so I take showers.

Last night, I was watching The Flinestones. What an odd show. In the intro song they say "the modern stone age family". How anyone could possibly be modern, during a stone age, is totally beyond me. I know it's a cartoon, obviously, but I couldn't help but wonder if this is how people in the era The Flinestones was created, really thought the stone age might look like. How when they leave their little rock house, somehow there is light in this stone house, but no candles can be seen. Or how they had television and they drove their cars with their feet. They also rode dinosaurs. Could you image a politically correct Flinestones? That would be a pretty funny show, well, maybe not. I don't think there would be much substance to the show. We also have no clue what really happened back then.

I've also read too far into Winnie the Pooh. Like, I find it odd Pooh never wears pants, but he always has that damn red shirt on. Funny, a red shirt is worn at Disney, during Gay Pride day, to symbolize being gay. Now, I have nothing wrong with Gay pride, I just find it rather ironic. That's just my brain though, it functions differently and reads too far into different things.

Today is a very boring day. I wish my phone would just activate.

Just thoughts.

It's Christmas Eve. Well, technically it's Christmas but my days work differently because I'm a night owl. It would be kind of rad to be an owl, they're such gorgeous birds.

Anyway.

You know what bugs me? People who claim to blog and they don't, at all. I mean, it could be because I'm such a nosey asshole, but hey, I like to read about what's going on in other people lives. Not celebrities though, I prefer real drama. I love to write, so blogging feels good, even though maybe 3% of the people I know, actually know about my blog.

On that note. I hate people who claim to do a lot of things, they really have no clue about, or even know how to do. Like, photography, for example. My brother is an amazing photographer, he's never taken a class, or had any professional training. Instead he educated himself, started with a shit camera, and worked his ass off. The thing that gets me, is you have a place like myspace, where everyone is a fucking star. It just gets under my skin. Sort of like art fags, who swear they're artist, but really, they're just good at copying other people.

My phone will be here on Thursday. Pretty fucking pumped. I'm out of things to talk about, so that's my cue for bed.


I cannot wait to see Anna in the morning, I am sure her face will be priceless.

The good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge.

Merry Christmas!

I want to talk about something I've been thinking about for a long time. Something that weighs on my mind, a lot. I guess it's sort of my take, or outlook of sorts on the human race and how stupid we are.

Why is it, when we are in school, we are taught to except every person for who they are. Why, when we are young, are we told to be an individual and follow the path we want. I find it all very contradicting. It seems as though, when we become a certain age, this is no longer relevant.

People judge those who seek their own individuality. We look at homeless people with transparent eyes, as though they don't exist. We treat others as though they're not up to our standards, if we feel we're better than they are. Racism is still as bad as it was 20 years ago, it's just shadowed and over looked.

What are we really teaching our children. That being dishonest is alright? That because someone worked their ass off for 20 years to be considered upper class, isn't as good as though born into a comfortable life. Our society is a painful one to watch and at times I am saddened for our youth.

The only hope we have, is that one day my generation will be the one in charge. Those who fight for what they believe in, and stand up for one another. The one's who look at our earth as a being, that needs to be respected. The one's who see our children for the true artists they can be, if they want. Love, respect and peace is my wish for us, as a race. I want to see animals treated as equals, I want there to be no hungry mouths, true artist's with ambitions, who aren't afraid to be the person they are deep inside. I want the world to wear their heart on their sleeve, I want the world to sleep with a peaceful mind every night, I want the world to breathe easy.

I know this is all a long way away, or probably never even possible. All I can do is hope. Hope my daughter always stands up for what she believes in, and not afraid to ever walk the streets alone, or never go hungry.

In a great big world, I am really small.

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

I've always enjoyed that quote. Funny, it's from Apple computers. I don't think that matters, when I read it, I think about myself. I think about how I've always taken the less beaten path, I never followed the rules and I was told "Scotti, you'll never make it". Well, look at me now. The thing is, the path I decided to take is what made me what I am today, an individual. Sadly, the one's who told me I would never make, couldn't say the same thing about themselves.

A huge fight took place here last night. When I say huge, what I mean is; big, ugly and we were all out for blood. As bad and angry as I was, I'm glad it happened. It needed to happen, we were all able to get a lot of built up tension out. I was to the point where I never wanted to speak to my family again, I was so angry. The thing is, I know they love me and want whats best. Their methods just aren't always as effective as I know they would like for them to be. So, we're in the "calm after the storm" phase. My mom and I were able to talk and I got to speak freely, as did she. It's over and that's all that matters.

I haven't really spoken about the decision I've made, probably one of the biggest decisions I'll ever make. I feel it isn't the right time yet. Once I get the kinks worked out, I will dedicate a whole blog to this decision.

Next week I'm going to relax like I've never relaxed before. I'm going to take in all the happiness I have laid in front of me, with huge breaths. I am going to love Joey, like he's never known, or I've known even. I am going to spend the week with no worries, no cares. Care free is a good word... a free spirit of sorts. I'm going to have the best time of my life. I am going to bring 2008 as I should, like it's going to be the best year of my life, because it is. 2008, you bitch, every ounce of me is ready for you. Let's get this shit started as we should.

I really don't know what else I feel I should write about. I'm so happy at this moment. I will admit, a lot of that happiness is coming from my new Sidekick that will be here on Thursday. I am also a weirdo and I hate to run blogs together. Too many feelings in on entry calls for a headache, you feel me, literally? Speaking of which, I only have 3 soda's today. All the corporate folks at Pepsi I'm sure felt a slight tug on the heart today, or stock, when they lost me as a loyal customer.

GOODNIGHT!

It makes one a better person to have had hardships and to have overcome hardships and not to blame anybody else for your mistakes.

Today overall, was a good day. I feel like I accomplished a lot. It required a lot of driving, which is something I always hate. I did a few good deeds too. I always count my good deeds, I swear, Karma is real. I gave a homeless man a dollar, which made me feel cheap, but it counts right? I gave a lady her card back, that she left in the ATM. I'm not going to lie, I thought about checking her balance, to see if maybe she could spare 20 bucks, but I didn't.

I was a very polite and outgoing person today. Funny when you can pin point your moods, and how they determine the outcome of your day. I find if your polite, even the nastiest person, can't help but smile in return. I really try to live everyday like I did today, everyday is a good day, if you allow it to be.

Each day it's getting easier to brush negative people and generally bad attitudes off my shoulder. That must be why Jay z says "brush the dirt of your shoulder", at least I think that's what he says. People who aren't exactly that, dirt on your shoulder. A dead weight. My life is much easier without the dead weight. I'm moving forward, which was something I couldn't achieve before, I had too many scum bags holding me back.

Would I be a terrible person if I liked Britney Spears latest CD? I refuse to buy it, so I figured I would download it for free on limewire. I think anyone who incapable of taking care of their kids, with that much money, doesn't deserve a time. She should be a slave to society, for a year or so.

I am about to cut my bangs. No more side bangs. Momma is moving up to straight bangs. They're adorable. I am kind of diggin' this more natural look I have going on. I look a lot like my Mom in her younger days, very natural and earthy. I love it.

Peacecore loves.

Were it not for music, we might in these days say, the Beautiful is dead.

One of my favorite things in the world, is when I find a CD or I hear a band I haven't listened to in a while. It's almost like this refreshing sense of feeling comes back over your body. Especially if it's a band you've loved since you found them 4 years ago, but their music just gets better and better. New or old, their music is soft on the ears.

Stars happens to be one of those bands for me. Whenever I hear a new song of theirs, I get an almost euphoric feeling all over me. I feel like I relate to everything they sing about, they make such a bold statement in every word they sing. Their sound is ambient and meaningful. I just, love everything about them.

Music is and always be a big part of my life. I love hearing new and undiscovered talent. I love old generations and new, I love any artist passionate about what they're singing about and why. Anyone with a message. You can feel a good song in your veins, in your heart.

I like muffins.

I feel I was blessed with a daughter who is truly a comedian at times. Although she doesn't know it yet. I kind of like that though, I don't want her to be one of those kids who does things just for attention. Her antics come naturally. Just this morning, as I was getting her dressed, she said "I like muffins". It was very random but now it's stuck in my head. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve Anna. She is going to be an amazing person one day.

I don't have much to do today, I guess that's why I'm already blogging. Tomorrow is going to be my Monday. I have a lot to accomplish tomorrow. Today laundry is the only thing on my agenda. Oh, and I am going to stop drinking soda today. Big goal right there, so I guess I would have a lot to do. Like prep myself mentally at the idea of no longer having a daily caffeine intake. I need this though.

You know. I hate soda. It makes me ugly and bloated. So, why is it nearly impossible to quit? I guess some thing's will never be fully explained.

I will be in Charlotte two weeks from now. Rather exciting I would say. I really miss fried pickles. I guess I really miss Joey too. I hope he reads this. haha.

Alright. I am out of things to jabber about.

Lazy people are always eager to be doing something.

I find myself often looking for things to do, when really, I should be doing something slightly more productive. As in, I should actually do what I had originally intended on doing. What happens is I have all these chores planned out for the day, then I get turned off by the idea of doing them, so instead I search for something new to accomplish. Then what ends up happening is, I get nothing done. Mostly because the whole time I was searching for the new thing to do, the old chores get pushed aside. I guess I teeter on the verge of a procrastinator title at times. I find the most unproductive things to preoccupy my mind.

I guess that would be why my teachers tried extra hard with me, or my parent's are always looking for new ways to motivate me. Now, it isn't that I'm unmotivated, I could honestly say I have more goals than anyone I've ever met. It's the fact that I lose interest in the task at hand, or I feel I am not being challenged enough. I get bored very fast if something doesn't stay interesting.

I guess that's why I miss school. Although it wasn't always interesting, it was work that made me use my brain, unlike most the things I do throughout my day.

Oh well, I'm rambling and using my blogging as an excuse to avoid cleaning, or over texting people.

Goodbye 2007.

This is my farewell, to possibly one of the most awkward years I've ever experienced.

You have taught me so much about myself. Who I'm willing to let in, what I want out of life and who I am. Although I haven't embraced you with open arms, I feel so lucky to have had this year, this was my year. Not the best year, but it was amazing at times, even when I hit rock bottom.

This year I actually put myself out there. I met new people, I dated new people, I lost people. I had the chance to truly find out who I was inside, who I can be, who I am at my worst and at my best. If I hadn't put myself out there, or dated those people, I would still be who I was when I started this year. I won't say I'm happy I met certain people, but they were worth the lessons learned.

I've finally learned that I've been less than responsible and it's time to step up. If I want to be a role model to the beautiful Anna, I need to make an effort. I need to make an effort myself and prove to those around me that I am amazing. I have all these abilities bottled up inside, that I've never given a chance, until now. I have no reason to believe I wont succeed. I will succeed and I'm going to awesome at it.

I really found out who the true people were in my life. I held onto bad relationship and negative people, because I thought they were all I had. I was so wrong. I've learned what my worth is and I'm worth a lot more than what they were willing to give. A true friend sticks by you, no matter what. A true friend never lies or goes behind your back. I am really proud of myself, I finally weeded my over grown garden and I feel so much better. I was so worried about pleasing the wrong people, that I lost touch with the important people I have around me. So, I say... good riddance.

Toward the end of the year is when my life really turned upside down, but in the best way possible. The last few months of 2007 have been the best of my life, the best. I mean that with everything I have inside of me, I've never been so confident of something. I feel like I fell in love for the first time. No, I know I did. I knew an hour after I met him, I would spend the rest of my life with him. I met the person who finally broke through the wall I've had up my whole life, he did it with the same feelings. I know he loves me with everything he has and that's what makes it amazing. He makes me feel brand new and like I can do anything I put my mind to. He gives me the confidence I had a hard time finding within in myself. August my life changed forever and I'm so happy it did.

I was also blessed to have another healthy and happy Anna all year. I feel like the luckiest Mom ever at times. She is so bright and she learns so quickly. She has always been there for hugs and kisses, whenever I needed them. Her face brights up when she sees me first thing in the morning, she smiles when she looks at me and kisses me before bed every night. She's a beautiful little girl and I'm so lucky she's mine. Brian finally making and effort to be in her life has also made things easier and better. I am so proud of the changes he's made for her, when I can be honest and say I doubted him. She is truly blessed to have a wonderful Dad in her life.

Now, there have been times I could've sworn this was the worst year, but I was wrong, so very wrong. I've gained so much. From here on out I know I am going to function at my best, at all times. I'm a better person, with my goals intact and I am so thankful. I am thankful I never gave up, when I really wanted to.

I'm looking forward to what 2008 has in store.

Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.

I've found that being a vegetarian is something I committed whole heartedly too. It's something I believe in, I'm proud of myself.

The funny thing is, it isn't just not eating meat. It changes your whole outlook on the whole idea of eating meat. I find myself thinking more about animal rights, how animals feel. I was driving the other day about how much animal interact with us, but we somehow find a way of justifying eating them. I understand that humans are built for eating meat, the thing is we have a mind, we can control what we put in our bodies. I hold nothing against those that have decided to eat meat, it just isn't for me.

Once Anna hits 3, she will also be a veggie. Not to sound like a hypocrite, I just don't consider myself advanced enough to be able to supplement her protein intake right now, with what she gains from Chicken and dairy. She does however have more of a taste for any kind of veggie, rice and beans and soy products. I was the same way growing up.

On that note, I've decided that I am going Vegan, for sure. No more dairy. This will be one of my goals for 2007. I find the vegan transition to be the only complicated one for me. I already drink vegan beer, so at least I have that covered, ha. People don't realize how easy the veggie transition was, cutting meat out of my diet was the easiest thing to do, I guess b.c I grew disgusted with myself and the fact that I was putting part of another soul into my body. Plus, I could live off black bean burgers, so good. Not only that, but the health issues at hand. I feel so much better, after I eat I don't feel like dying. I've lost 5lbs and haven't seen it in 3 months.

Just thought I'd share. I felt the need to ramble.

I'm leaving... but not on a jet plane.

I've decided I am moving. I need this, I want this and I can feel every part of me agreeing. My heart and my mind, for once. I know this is the right decision. I need to be on my own, I need to be responsible for myself and start what I hope to be the best chapter of my life. A new, fresh start with awesome company and possibly a lovely Great Dane named Rupert.

My own place, with awkward art deco furniture, in weird colors like pastel green. My own couch to sprawl across in my underwear and toe socks, while eating my friend onions. A place that stays clean and isn't loud at all hours of the day. I like peace, lot's of peace.

Ok, this isn't just about art deco furniture and quite. It's about meeting someone I see myself having a life with too. My having a new life. So, I'm moving to Charlotte. The goal is to be looking into places and jobs by Mid February and the actual move, I'm not sure yet. I am so excited though. I am really motivating myself for this. I know it's what I need and what I want.

Yippe.

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.

I haven't updated in a few days. I blame that on the lack of internet I had in this house. Not my inability to post a blog. I actually have a lot to blog about, the good, the bad and the fucking ugly.

Things have gotten better, a lot better actually. I feel like I actually have some direction in life now. I am still confused on what I plan on doing, but I have a general idea and I think that's all that counts. For now anyway... I knew 3 months ago I met the one person who understood me. I guess with relationships you will always have the lows and the highs, but it's getting through the lows and sticking together that counts. This person has showed me so much. The last week has been such a high and I couldn't be happier.

I've found I am experiencing new emotions, good one's. They're just at times hard to explain. I was so worried a week ago how my life was going to turn out because it seemed as though everything was caving in on me. I am actually glad this happened, it taught me a lot about myself and how well I truly can handle situations. I know now I am stronger than most people and no matter what, I'll always be ok. I've also enjoyed not having internet for the last week, it forced me to break bad habits.

Over the weekend it was finally clear on who I can honestly consider a good friend. I am sick to my stomach that I actually trusted certain people. Not even certain people, one person, someone I will never call a friend as long as I live. People who try to constantly point out your flaws to others, are only trying to cover their flaws. They're very obvious flaws. What's funny, I trusted you. Then you blew that whole scam up yourself. My Dad always said "You can't bull shit a bull shitter". I think that holds true, especially when your lies suck. Karma will find you, and it appears yours is starting to catch up to you. How stupid of you, to try and down talk to me, to someone who loves me more than you ever would. You are a sad, pathetic and very stupid girl. I can only hope one day you grow up, then maybe you will find happiness. Until then, stop trying to ruin everyone else's. Another thing, you might have 100 friends but only half of them know the real you, the one that trash talks everyone behind their back. They don't know the lush, who can't even remember if she ran someone over at the end of the night. What a huge weight lifted off my chest and after today you will never be mentioned again.

I've decided I would post several blogs on several issues today. Just because I'm weird.

5 AM.

So, I can't sleep. I have to be work in an hour. Just great.

All I've done for the last 8 hours is cry. I'm trying so hard to be a strong person, but it seems near impossible right now. I guess I can say I know what a true heart break feels like. I never imagined I could be so hurt, in so many ways, all at once. I really thought I met someone I would spend the rest of my life with. I was honest to God positive he was the one. Now, now I just feel lost. I feel so stupid, so used and vulnerable. I know everyone says you need to just worry about yourself, but it's not easy to just shut off your emotions. I looked up to him, I never thought he would let me down like this. I guess it goes to show, you can never be too sure, and nothing last forever. I let my guard down and now I'm the fool.

Where do I go from here? I'm so scared to be alone now. I am so worried what tomorrow will feel like and I am so scared of losing him forever. I know they say everything happens for a reason, but how do you know it's the right decision. I am trying to find all the possible ways to cut him out of my life, but I can't do it.

I know I need to focus on myself now. Work, get my life together and be a good person. It's just a matter of trying to stay busy, so I don't feel this way. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I hurt so bad, my whole body, my heart. I don't want to go back to the partying but I know it's coming. It's my escape. It's pathetic I feel bad for myself. I would never wish this heartache on anyone. I feel like I lost a part of myself. I feel like I lost my soul mate. I'm angry that he gave up, I deserved more.

Who knows. Maybe the outcome will be ok. Maybe I'll be ok. I know I wasn't always pleasant, so this could be what it takes to make me really change my attitude. I need to change my outlook on life and the people I surround myself with.

It's obvious I put my faith in the wrong one's. :(

Goodbye.

I find it odd what can happen in such a short amount of time. You would never think two days could have more action than your whole year alone. My life is a roller coaster, there is no denying. I have the chance to change that though, it makes me sad but I have to start with the things that make my life the hardest.

I'm not going to dedicate this post to how awesome I am, I already know. If others don't, or disagree with me, well... they're stupid. I have so much to give, so many thing's I am good at and I love with everything I have. I know I've made mistakes, we all do. I know I have had a rough year, but you know what, the good people stuck by my side. I am so grateful for those people. The others who walked away, I could give a shit about you. Honestly, you're not even worth shit.

It's time for me to let go. It's been a good ride, short lived but it's better that way. No need to invest any more of myself into a big lie. I feel so bad for people who don't take risks, or live life the way they want to. I feel bad for those who let others decide their happiness. You will live a very lonely life. I have to much to offer someone, only to get let down every other month. I was so sad but now the clouds aren't so gray, I am going to be ok. I thought you were the reason I was happy, you're not. I'm happy because of me, my daughter and those who hold an honest place in my heart. I was so afraid of what my life might be without you in it, now I see I'm a strong person and everything happens for a reason. I will be much happier without you.

I truly feel sorry for you. I loved you so much, so much. I would have given anything I had for you, I would of always been there for you, through it all. We very seldom find our true love, I thought you were mine but it obviously wasn't the same for you. You are fake and you played with my heart, you don't have the right to use me at your will. I don't even wish you the best, you don't deserve the best. I hope you meet someone who you adore, then does what you did to my heart to yours.

It hurts like hell to walk away from this but I cannot make anyone who doesn't want me stay. It's going to be rough, but I look forward to what's going to happen next. Maybe that great person is waiting right outside this emotional wall for me. I have an idea of who it might be, funny I didn't see this person in this light before, but maybe I needed this. I needed this to show me it was ok to love, even with the heartache. I feel so much better and I'm not afraid anymore.

I don't love you anymore. At all. I have no respect for you. Matter of fact, I have nothing at all for you. Everything I ever said to you means nothing now... nothing at all. You burned this bridge and you must live with the consequences.

She who trims herself to suit everyone will soon whittle herself away.

"Man, it's so hard not to act so reckless"

I was asked recently by someone who I thought mattered to find one thing about myself that I loved. I figured, I could find more than one. Just to spite this person, let them know, you don't just give up on the one's you claim "mean so much".

Scotti Erin. I'll admit, I'm a complexed person. There is no getting around it, but that makes me who I am. I could be boring, or rather dull, like some people I know. Then everyone would miss out on the conversation about my weird habits, or my odd knowledge of random facts about random things. Without complexion or complicated things, the whole world would be one most of us wouldn't want to live in. As irritated as we might get at complication, there is a reason the good people stick around.

Now, for what I love about myself.

Well, for starters, I love how happy I get when I hear Young Turks by Rod Stewart. I love how any song can change my disposition before the first chorus hits. I love that I am so hard to figure out, I keep people on their toes and I think that's why they always come back for more. I love that no matter what, I never let anyone else change the way I feel about things or someone. I guess that's where Young Turks would come in, never let anyone else change the way you feel, true love only comes once and I'm not afraid to love. I love how I can take a serious situation and make it fun. I love my sarcasm and ability to laugh at anything, no matter how stupid it might be to someone else. I love my ability to love people for who they are and no matter what I give everyone a chance. I stand my guard and I'm never afraid to call shitty people out on who they are.

I love that I can run half naked on a beach at 3 in the morning. I love that I listen to everything someone has to say and I never judge, until I have facts. I love the way I look at people I admire, and I love that I admire strong people. I love not being afraid to wear the most ridiculous outfits out in public, because they make me happy. I love getting excited over hats and purses and shoes! I love how good I look in black, blue and green eye shadow. I love my body for what it is and I love that I can tattoo an ice cream cone on my side and still look awesome.

I do love myself. Some might not think I do but it's their loss. One more thing is I forgive but I don't forget and once you cross that line with me, it's hard to go back. You don't hurt the one's you love and I would never.

So, when you regret the decision you made or you wished I was all you had. Just come back and read this, as a reminder of what you might never have again.

There was this one time.

Ever wonder why listening to a sad song over and over again when you're upset makes you feel better? I really don't know why I do, but I'd like to know. It's almost like we want to sulk.

I'm really tired of life lessons or whatever this bull shit I keep putting up with would be considered. I'm so tired of shitty fucking people. I am tired of people you think you can count on, that up and walk away when things get tough. I wish my life were that easy, I wish walking away from people were that easy. Maybe I would be a happier person and I wouldn't be sitting here wasting time upset over someone who wasn't worth much anyway.

We are put into certain situations for what reasons? What do we gain from these? I am still trying to figure out what I was supposed to learn from the last two mistakes. I didn't need a third weighing on my mind, but I guess it's the way things go.

Eventually my state of mind will be back to normal and I'll meet that one person, that one person that sweeps me off my feet and loves me unconditionally. No matter what, always unconditionally. No lies, no heartache, no turning back.

The thing is, my heart hurts so bad all I want to do is yell. I told myself I wouldn't allow this to happen again but obviously I have no control over who I let walk into my life. I am so angry but I'm so mad, at the same time.

I'm a mess.

Fate.

I'm sure fate is something we have all questioned at some point in our life. What is fate exactly? Does is really exist or is it something we only wished existed? I am really unsure at this point. I thought I knew what fate might be. I thought I had come across fate myself but now I don't know. Do we know enough about fate to say whether or not you can question what might actually be fate? Like, is it really fate if two people meet unexpectedly and fall madly in love? What if those two people are madly in love but live far apart? I guess that's where I actually question it, if those two people were supposed to meet, then why isn't it easier for them to be together? Why does the situation have to be some complex?

There really is no answer to my questions. I know in life we are supposed to over come what is laid out in front of us. Take everything in stride and be strong when people call you weak. What if I am weak though? Why is it harder for me to take these trails into hand?

I don't know if I ever will know.

First.

Well, first entry. First entries are always a little awkward. You're never 100% sure if anyones ever going to read it, so it's hard to find what to say to yourself. I already know myself, so an introduction would be a little unnecessary. I guess that I could always use it as a time line. You know, to look back and see where I was at this point in my life. Really kind of boring, but still, possibly worth having noted on some blog for future reference.

Anyway. I'll be 24 in less than a month. That's a little intimidating. The good thing is, I feel like I am on the right path. Fucking finally! It's taken me 15 years of fucking up to get to this point. OK, maybe not "fucking up" but damn well close. I have a good job lined up and I'm going to renew my RE license. I feel like the market for houses is about to crash, which means lot's of selling. So, right now would be the perfect time to get into it and have a little extra money every month. I plan on going back to college too but that will take some time. I am actually switching schools, so once I register, I'm good to go. I'm pretty sure my focus will remain in business but who knows, and that's just it, I don't know. Business seems like the best option if you don't know, just not the math part. I was also considering sociology but mostly because I'm lazy and that's an easy degree, to be honest. There aren't too many career paths in the sociology field. I could be a social worker but that's really sad and not so high on the financial end. Oh well.

Things with Joey and I are going well. Although we tend to get in really stupid arguments. I think because distance and love are two really hard things to push together, they don't mesh well. It's also hard when you have to put so much more effort into something, when you see people who have it easy. Such is life, I suppose. The great part is though, I truly and I mean truly, love someone. With everything I have, I want this to work. So, I'm willing to try harder, it just gets hard. Right now I am hoping it gets easier with my focusing on myself. I will be heading out there next Friday. I can't wait, more so because I get to eat fried pickles! That and lot's of behind closed doors kind of stuff, if you catch my drift.

Anna is growing everyday. She gets more and more independent everyday. It's so bittersweet. I want her to always need me. I wish at times I was more motherly to her. Not that I'm not, I just feel like I could be more. She is so smart and so full of life. It's surreal to watch children grow, hard to believe I was just like her once. So innocent and so appreciative for the small things in life. It scares me to think she will one day have to face this scary world we live in. I'm not ready and don't think I will ever be ready for her to have to deal with the problems this world has.

I guess thats all for tonight. I have to work in the morning.