My blogging is out of control. I think I should be banned from the computer, for at least 24 hours. Writing is my way of preoccupying myself from reality, or the things that are weighing so heavily on my heart and mind. If I sit here, even for just 10 minutes, I won't pick up the phone or think about what he's doing. I won't think about him.
I keep trying to stay positive and happy, but then I get stuck here, miserable. All I want to do is clear my head and focus on what's important. The thing is, I've lost part of me and it feels like it's for good. I hate these thoughts, I hate letting go. I cannot help but think he's done with me and it's all my fault. I keep replaying "I should have done this, or not of said that", over and over again. All I want is for him to not forget me, to still want me, to still care. I wish I could take back everything I've ever done wrong, but we're human and humans make mistakes. Only, I made too many.
I guess I just think of the negatives more than the positives. When you lose the one thing you held so close, it isn't easy to think of positives. It isn't easy to avoid the phone, or anything else for that matter.
I got so use to this routine. I have so many things that happen throughout the day that I looked forward to sharing with that one person. Weird dreams, odd people I saw, everything. But now, now I have no one. No one that I feel that connected with. So, I'm stuck here, writing all of my emotions and happenings onto this blog.
He doesn't feel the same about me anymore and I don't blame him. I just hate feeling so forgotten, so unwanted and useless.
I guess tomorrows a new day. I'm going to finish painting, but I'm sure I will have more to say later.
I'm sorry you don't love me anymore.
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