She who trims herself to suit everyone will soon whittle herself away.

"Man, it's so hard not to act so reckless"

I was asked recently by someone who I thought mattered to find one thing about myself that I loved. I figured, I could find more than one. Just to spite this person, let them know, you don't just give up on the one's you claim "mean so much".

Scotti Erin. I'll admit, I'm a complexed person. There is no getting around it, but that makes me who I am. I could be boring, or rather dull, like some people I know. Then everyone would miss out on the conversation about my weird habits, or my odd knowledge of random facts about random things. Without complexion or complicated things, the whole world would be one most of us wouldn't want to live in. As irritated as we might get at complication, there is a reason the good people stick around.

Now, for what I love about myself.

Well, for starters, I love how happy I get when I hear Young Turks by Rod Stewart. I love how any song can change my disposition before the first chorus hits. I love that I am so hard to figure out, I keep people on their toes and I think that's why they always come back for more. I love that no matter what, I never let anyone else change the way I feel about things or someone. I guess that's where Young Turks would come in, never let anyone else change the way you feel, true love only comes once and I'm not afraid to love. I love how I can take a serious situation and make it fun. I love my sarcasm and ability to laugh at anything, no matter how stupid it might be to someone else. I love my ability to love people for who they are and no matter what I give everyone a chance. I stand my guard and I'm never afraid to call shitty people out on who they are.

I love that I can run half naked on a beach at 3 in the morning. I love that I listen to everything someone has to say and I never judge, until I have facts. I love the way I look at people I admire, and I love that I admire strong people. I love not being afraid to wear the most ridiculous outfits out in public, because they make me happy. I love getting excited over hats and purses and shoes! I love how good I look in black, blue and green eye shadow. I love my body for what it is and I love that I can tattoo an ice cream cone on my side and still look awesome.

I do love myself. Some might not think I do but it's their loss. One more thing is I forgive but I don't forget and once you cross that line with me, it's hard to go back. You don't hurt the one's you love and I would never.

So, when you regret the decision you made or you wished I was all you had. Just come back and read this, as a reminder of what you might never have again.

There was this one time.

Ever wonder why listening to a sad song over and over again when you're upset makes you feel better? I really don't know why I do, but I'd like to know. It's almost like we want to sulk.

I'm really tired of life lessons or whatever this bull shit I keep putting up with would be considered. I'm so tired of shitty fucking people. I am tired of people you think you can count on, that up and walk away when things get tough. I wish my life were that easy, I wish walking away from people were that easy. Maybe I would be a happier person and I wouldn't be sitting here wasting time upset over someone who wasn't worth much anyway.

We are put into certain situations for what reasons? What do we gain from these? I am still trying to figure out what I was supposed to learn from the last two mistakes. I didn't need a third weighing on my mind, but I guess it's the way things go.

Eventually my state of mind will be back to normal and I'll meet that one person, that one person that sweeps me off my feet and loves me unconditionally. No matter what, always unconditionally. No lies, no heartache, no turning back.

The thing is, my heart hurts so bad all I want to do is yell. I told myself I wouldn't allow this to happen again but obviously I have no control over who I let walk into my life. I am so angry but I'm so mad, at the same time.

I'm a mess.

Fate.

I'm sure fate is something we have all questioned at some point in our life. What is fate exactly? Does is really exist or is it something we only wished existed? I am really unsure at this point. I thought I knew what fate might be. I thought I had come across fate myself but now I don't know. Do we know enough about fate to say whether or not you can question what might actually be fate? Like, is it really fate if two people meet unexpectedly and fall madly in love? What if those two people are madly in love but live far apart? I guess that's where I actually question it, if those two people were supposed to meet, then why isn't it easier for them to be together? Why does the situation have to be some complex?

There really is no answer to my questions. I know in life we are supposed to over come what is laid out in front of us. Take everything in stride and be strong when people call you weak. What if I am weak though? Why is it harder for me to take these trails into hand?

I don't know if I ever will know.

First.

Well, first entry. First entries are always a little awkward. You're never 100% sure if anyones ever going to read it, so it's hard to find what to say to yourself. I already know myself, so an introduction would be a little unnecessary. I guess that I could always use it as a time line. You know, to look back and see where I was at this point in my life. Really kind of boring, but still, possibly worth having noted on some blog for future reference.

Anyway. I'll be 24 in less than a month. That's a little intimidating. The good thing is, I feel like I am on the right path. Fucking finally! It's taken me 15 years of fucking up to get to this point. OK, maybe not "fucking up" but damn well close. I have a good job lined up and I'm going to renew my RE license. I feel like the market for houses is about to crash, which means lot's of selling. So, right now would be the perfect time to get into it and have a little extra money every month. I plan on going back to college too but that will take some time. I am actually switching schools, so once I register, I'm good to go. I'm pretty sure my focus will remain in business but who knows, and that's just it, I don't know. Business seems like the best option if you don't know, just not the math part. I was also considering sociology but mostly because I'm lazy and that's an easy degree, to be honest. There aren't too many career paths in the sociology field. I could be a social worker but that's really sad and not so high on the financial end. Oh well.

Things with Joey and I are going well. Although we tend to get in really stupid arguments. I think because distance and love are two really hard things to push together, they don't mesh well. It's also hard when you have to put so much more effort into something, when you see people who have it easy. Such is life, I suppose. The great part is though, I truly and I mean truly, love someone. With everything I have, I want this to work. So, I'm willing to try harder, it just gets hard. Right now I am hoping it gets easier with my focusing on myself. I will be heading out there next Friday. I can't wait, more so because I get to eat fried pickles! That and lot's of behind closed doors kind of stuff, if you catch my drift.

Anna is growing everyday. She gets more and more independent everyday. It's so bittersweet. I want her to always need me. I wish at times I was more motherly to her. Not that I'm not, I just feel like I could be more. She is so smart and so full of life. It's surreal to watch children grow, hard to believe I was just like her once. So innocent and so appreciative for the small things in life. It scares me to think she will one day have to face this scary world we live in. I'm not ready and don't think I will ever be ready for her to have to deal with the problems this world has.

I guess thats all for tonight. I have to work in the morning.