Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? Well, you can sleep in my bed...

Things are still tough, but that doesn't mean they wont get better. I try to remain an optimistic person, even through the worst situations. Sometimes optimism is all you have to hold on to, or faith that you're going in the right direction.

I am really tired of letting the bad into my life. I put myself in these situations where I let someone get the best of me, it doesn't benefit me...but it does them. I want to scream in their face that there is so much more, I am an amazing person. I shouldn't have to prove that to someone though, they should just see it, right? I need to stop being such a door mat for the wrong people. I truly adore some of them, but I don't think they feel the same.

I will say it again. It's a new year. A new year brings new things, friends, adventures, etc. Hopefully this new year isn't filled with the animosity and hate the last one was.

My heart still hurts, from things that were said, things that were done. I let my guard down by thinking I was trying something new, but I just got myself into a big mess. I wonder sometimes if I will ever stop settling for less than what I deserve. When will I actually see my worth and move forward with my life. I hold onto things for too long, I think. I believe that just because something that was once good, and now bad, it can go back to being good.

The worst part of feeling the weight of the world is, when you think it can't get any worse...you realize you're all alone.

It will get better, I know it will. I just have to keep going, and not look back.

Twenty Eleven.

So. Here I am. I suppose.

I decided I would blog more this year. I didn't have a single blog entry in 2010, and I think only 15 in 2009. That's borderline pathetic, especially considering how much I enjoy throwing my emotions onto the internet. Not really, but nobody seems to want to hear my life rants, so I might as well blog them.

I am honestly glad to put this last year behind me, and I am glad I didn't write about it. I can sum it up in roughly one poorly written sentence. Heartache, let down, failure, and I was lost.

It's a new fucking year. I will repeat that to myself, as many fucking times as it takes for me to pull my head out of my ass.

Confusion is such an ugly thing, if you call it a thing? I am sure most would agree, a situation can be over analyzed in far too many ways. A sensitive person can only handle so much of this. You can truly start to lose your self worth, in a bad situation. Forget who you are, what you stand for, and are become blind to what you're becoming.

I have so much more I want to let go, so many things I've kept bottled up because I thought nobody cared. They will have to wait though, it's late.

Nothing can be created out of nothing.

I'm up too late again.

I should be sleeping, but I'm not.

All my thoughts stir when I lack sleep. This is a win/lose situation. That's just my opinion though. I have great thoughts, while not getting sleep. Joy.

My mind has recently gone into over drive again. Seems when some things fall into place, others just fall. Music is my escape lately.

I have a few great things and a few great things I am missing at this particular time.

I feel happy. I feel sad. It's never a balanced mood with me. It's all over the place and never the same.

I feel I do need to seek change in a few of my awful habits that still lurk from my ugly past. Yet, I think I deserve to be treated a little better by a certain person. Will that ever happen? Well, I will succeed and be the person I want to be...but will the other person be who I want them to be. I don't know. Do I wait around and see? Or, do I move forward and see where I end up. They both have their ups and downs. I am just stuck, as always.

Whatever. I'm done fucking thinking. Sleep. Need sleep.

...

I cannot explain the sudden rush of emotions. Why does it even bother me. Why was I expecting a different outcome. Why in my heart have I always been waiting...for something that will never come.


I am tired of being something I am not and running from the things that once meant so much.

Baby, to a hammer...everything looks like a nail.

I am going to start this blog out by saying... I absolutely love Lady GaGa. The girl is ridic.


On to the topic at hand today, which are several wrapped into one.

I will not let anyone get the best of me, not anyone, ever. You can try your hardest, but just know, you will fail. I've learned too much in my young years to fuck with idiots. You, them and anyone else just isn't worth it. This life is my life, I will live it how I choose, with who I choose.

I cannot help if it eats you alive when you don't get your way, but face the facts hun, you got yourself all fucked up. Your priorities are ass backwards and I can tell you from experience, being at the bottom sucks. So, straighten up while you have a chance.

People say things when they're down in the dumps. I know because I've been there. We do things when our heart hurts, most of the time it involves being irrational and making poor decisions. If this person isn't with you, they're with someone else... that should tell you something. How many times are you going to try? You cannot win, if you're fighting yourself. Do yourself a favor, find someone who does want you.

The feelings I have are sincere, so I guess that's why I am here and you're not. So, play pretend with all your friends, tell lies, slap that smile on your face...I know how you feel inside. You've failed. Must hurt to feel unwanted, or used. That's why I only worry about myself, then I don't have to stress about what others are doing, with our without me.

You might put those efforts into losing a little weight, or finding a hobby worth bragging about. Maybe even find real friends, instead of playing pretend with people you're only using.


"Step up to the plate, I'm ready to pitch....little bitch"

In jealousy there is more of self-love than love.

Take a minute to look back on what you've accomplished so far in this life. How do you view yourself? Succesful, beautiful, outgoing? Or, jealous, self rightous, bitter?

We live one life, we get one chance to make things right. I am not one to preach about how you should treat others. Nor, do I have the right to make standards for others. We are all guilty of being that jealous person, or that bitter person. It's human nature, something that is written by the hand of another.

I do believe we all have to step up at some point in our lives and worry about the right things and prioritize what is important. Spend less time worrying about others, like, your enemy from high school, or your ex boyfriends current girlfriend, etc... While you stress so much over what they're doing, what are you doing? Where are you going? I can tell you, they don't worry about you, they probably feel bad for you. Are they going to determine who pays your bills? Are they going to help you if you need someone to cry to? No, they wont.

We lose ourselfs and our dignity while trying to make others look bad. That light shade that blurs out the reality of your own life will soon fade and everyone will be watching. Like I said, it's human nature. We thrive on watching others fall.


So, take a deep breath and focus on what's important. Not who's important.

Only because it's not what you want to hear...

I have to dish on this. Seriously, before my fucking head explodes.

If I have to hear or read about "guy" problems one more time, I'm going to fall through my ass and hang myself.

What's even more annoying is, it's usually the same person(s) 90% of the time. Every 3 months, I know I'm going to see that feminist, "hear me roar", myspace blog about how you "don't need a man". Well, girlfriend, I'm going to lay it all out for you. I won't pat your ass and give you kudos on dishing it out to some dude on myspace, who broke your heart. Especially when you go through these episodes at least 4 times, with each guy, every couple months.

First, let me start off by saying this. When I read these "empowering" blogs of yours, I sense that you really are insecure, although you may not agree. You come off as someone who needs a man, in other words "co dependent". Whether it be emotional, or financial. I sense more emotional though, personally. I see someone who falls "in love" within a month of meeting a person, regardless of who that person may be. Now, how in Gods name do you even get to know a person in 30 days? Shit, I've been around 25 years and I confuse myself sometimes. Give it, at the least, 4 months before you go announcing your love for some random douche bag, on myspace. So, after I read about all this happiness (and in all honesty, I was happy for you the first time...until I caught on to your mental trend), I can promise....in 3 months, TOPS, I will come across a fresh new blog about how you've "found yourself" or "you can make it without him". Well, duh... you've made it this far. When I see these, it's when I really just laugh to myself at your ignorance and how pathetic your friends are for actually agreeing with you.

Here is my advice to you, especially when kids are involved. Focus on yourself, men are turned on by independence, seriously. I'm not talking over kill, but independence is good. Imagine saying "I don't need a man" and truly meaning it. Being able to take care of your kids and self without the help of another person. It's liberating, truly. Ever thought about what it might feel like to put your kids in front of your emotional needs? You might want to try it, being selfless is the best part of being a mother, to me. How about getting an education, your spelling and grammar could use some major work. These ; are not to be used after every word, so stop, you're almost 30.

I hate to be even more cold here, but I am certain the boys you flock to aren't one to really understand a real job or grammar either.

Your blog was the worst analogy on women and independence I have ever seen in my life. I was embarrassed for you. Not only could I truly understand what you were saying ( or lack thereof), but you misused words like it was a trend. POSTING A BLOG ON MYSPACE WILL NOT GET A GUYS ATTENTION, ALTHOUGH THE CAPS MIGHT HELP.

If you're truly not concerned about how he feels anymore, or you're all about self sufficiency, then fucking prove it. Get the fuck off myspace. I'm tired of seeing 32 bulletins a day about what color shirt you're wearing. Get a fucking life and then preach on myspace. It's really fucking pathetic. Have you thought lately about where you will be in 10 years, shit 5 years even. Obviously the finding a guy to carry your ass and feed your kids is coming along too well. I'm sure your parents are tired of having their nearly 30 year old daughter in the house too.

CHRIST ON A CRACKER.


Get with it girls. For all that we've gone through, why are so many still so co dependent on men. I'm tired of seeing it. My Mom worked her ass off for 20 years to support two kids, only dating when she had time. The stereotypes are still there and I see girls that truly disappoint me everyday.


Off to shoot myself.